I Blog Whn Im Mad!!

Beautiful land of sunshine and laughter!

2012-01-12T00:55:00.000+06:00

Are you sure that you are in the other land, the so called “beautiful land of sunshine and laughter”.. if yes.. you mean you betrayed your heart/soul for the sheer achievement of vitamin K (from sunlight) and prolonged life (Laugh more,live more).

I believe it is utter failure that you didn't realize, this is life & there is no other land, ya of course, we are in search of the land where we may (at least we wish) find pleasure of every kind may be you are just dreaming.

The way which you wheedled me towards your covets (presumably), through your last notes explaining me the wonderful world of so called beautiful… reckon either you dream always about it or you are in the same LAND, still with a ashamed (presumably) face hidden behind an anonymous smile.

I am not awed by a confused mind.. rather than leaving it to incarcerate by the life, I prefer to mutilate my heart to crave for a freedom from my mind mostly when I am drunk because I have enough things to think about otherwise.. may be about a LAND .

It is much more painful than it is now but I love it that way. At least none to be bothered about. It is me and me only.

Pathetic issues and inability to differentiate between the reality and laughable. The forgetfulness of this night. Being at a position that you ever want to re-read the same statement, more or less the same. Captured by the things that is hated more than u enjoy. I calls it back, I effing calls it back.

Bloody thoughts, the perishing soul, the morality and my heart. The bites of sharp teeth. Go now, it is time for you to leave. From this atrocious, abominable breaths.

Over. Move on...

2011-12-31T00:00:00.000+06:00

Another year, another one to forget, another one to remember. A lot of changes, new ways, new faces. It just went away, as few of them wished, it was a good one but a small one. The ending was perfect, even though with overwhelming solitude which I always loved or may be it is a beginning, a perfect one. Never believed in celebrations, never had one whenever I wished. I love this evening, I love this night, with a full moon adding to the cold. Few stars here and there wishing me, I believe. Darn I am not able to take a pic of it, too lazy to go up to the terrace in this cold.

I want to love this, give me a reason to love. The bubbles hurrying up to escape, let me take another sip, let me kill the show. As usual another year blessed by dreams, a few unexpected and few exceptional. The fragrance is still around. May I take a dip in to it. May I engulf its soft sweetness for a few min. For how long? heh yet another dream. An attempt to be free, I wish this be real. A bitter happiness with a better sorrow. The fragrance just touched me with another wish.

My year end always (as if I had many to remember aargh!) filled with wishes for someone else… How can I even compare. At least I am blessed with that. As usual it was as usual. The bubbles are still tempting me to write more. It is the same road, the one which I traveled all these years, come on you can make it. ha..where? Another fascinating year? Anything new is fascinating…alas let it be. It’s over now, it’s all over. Don’t hope, just wish. aah… it’s the end, another two sips, I am done. Few minutes to cross the border. Still the night is mine.. only mine. I am searching.. everywhere, still..another year, another one to forget, another one to remember... Always like to remember 2011 in 3 Words. "Over. Move on..."

The cryptic life!!

2011-10-30T02:35:00.000+06:00

The cryptic life of mine.. or may be I am keeping it that way. A crappy introverts dreams, where he realizes the need to be an extrovert. Atleast a dream or escapism from himself. A thrust, a pretence to find confluence to fullfill his minds orgasmic nature. Clomping memoirs where he realizes that what he lived is not what he needed. His extensive need to gain the things that he lost or those things that he never tried to get or what he saw in others, an exotic life where he is free to express his feelings, to open his mad mind, his heart to every one.

But it is all dreams, an exhilarated life which is unspeakable. Sorry it is no discourtesy to his life but a trance of an agitated minds tedious puke which fumble its way towards the distorted heaven. But all this in a furtive but vogue beliefs which he aquinted from the society where he is forced to pretend that he is one of them. While other lounge their presence in the society he fumbles in between the mind and the society.

Some time he flinches by the way others react but still keep the belief that he aquired from his tiring life. He is afraid of the people around him, a fear of social consciousness. May be his acts will cause a ludicrous effect on others.

Ya it is just the fear of the dangerous abuse prevailed around him. He want to take an errand towards the mythical (for him) fruits of a sinisterous, fearless life. A deception to his own shackless life… may be lot of grammer mistakes. I am in no mood to correct it.. anyway it is all dreams… dreams are always grammar-less with lot of spelling mistakes!!!

The undefined deviance of lff..

2011-09-01T02:33:00.002+06:00

Thinking about the past.. I should have done few thing and should not have done something. But I am afraid the weight is more on the one which I should have done. Lost lot of things, lost love or I denied myself from that? Crap!!! Good that I am forgeting things so fast..

I understand the sarcastic miseries of life playing anomalous tyranny on me. The dominance which cannot be pacified by the outcries of obsolete present. Framed by words, framed by emotions, framed by distance, the result is all the same.

Pulling down the deep proportions of the past, the dilemma still remains. Crucify me for the imminent mistakes, bury me for the misleading comments. I may not resurrect, I may not phoenixfied, but I may lay down in the memoirs, as what? Dont Know!! May be it is not the time yet. May be its high time. Its been on and off in my mind, bit by bit.

Hold me tight, hold me to heart. I am falling, catch me.

Aghh.... The undefined deviance of lff..

The First Love

2011-08-13T03:49:00.004+06:00

I started forgetting her. I don't know how she looked like, not very well.

Years blew over.

I remembered her when I picked up this book.

Like an unread inland letter, Like a speechless play,

Like the calmness in the deep ocean, Like an unknown desert,

Like a window opened to eternity, Like a back door retreat,

Like a tremble in the breeze, Like a reflection in the mirror,

Like a silent song, Like the beauty of shh,

Like the lesion of my heart, Like a fallen leaf in spring...

Like an aviated bubble, which bust in mos.

Salvo. Aggh, the first love.

I remember very well.

Conversation were minimal, we liked it that way.

That One Lover!!

2011-07-26T20:16:00.011+06:00

Why you asked me to love,

Holding my debile fingers,

Even after knowing, you will get

A more forte lover than me?

Why so when you know,

I have a broken heart,

Which is bleeding and

Have nothing more to give?

Why you came so far,

Searching only for me?

Dead in the memories, I have

Kept nothing for you to give.

Allas all these, I knew

You will come one day.

I used to remind myself,

You are there some far far away.

But walking through the darkness,

In this balmy moonlight night,

Oh, my dear death,

I never expected you tonight.

Aghh... then I relaxed to myself.

There is one lover, the only lover,

We all can expect for sure,

And her arrival is placid.

"Does those leaves got wet?"

2011-06-08T19:53:00.014+06:00

The wind was blowing. Like mad.

But I wonder why the leaves in those trees were unshaken?

"Can that happen?"

"No. It can’t." I said to myself.

I asked my Grandma.

She showed me Colocasia leaves.

She carefully poured water all over it.

"Does those leaves got wet?" She asked me.

She smiled at my speechlessness and walked away...

Reeling through the reels of life.

2011-04-05T22:13:00.005+06:00

Its been one year since I wrote something here. I was destitute of imagination/need/encouragement? Don’t know. I believe I was just lazy. Do I have anything in my mind to write? Nopes.. nothing as of now. May be I have a lot of things inside me which I don’t want to write. Between those white patches of clouds I see outside reminds me of reverberating proclamation of peace. And the fog, its just the reflection of those clouds. Why I am talking about peace? What is peace to me? Ok, let me make it clear, its just another word which just echoed around me. Just like that.

Again, I stumbled at one point. I realized at the next. Slithering back to me, the earlier position. Why am i writing? Because I am expected to? Because I want to? Because I am forced to? None of above, Because I love to & Because I am more expressive while writing. Everyone need to let out their emotions, feelings in one way or another. Its not necessary that what you write is your life but its always necessary that it has you in it, in one way or another.. at least as a spectator. Hmm… mostly as a spectator. Reeling through the reels of life, these writings are just the tip of the iceberg. Alas, if I could show the submersed part. Yes, a shit load of happiness and inaccurately flowing river of sorrows.

Right now bowing in front of amazingly undefinable voice of Pandit Bhimsen Joshi. Now his voice will spread peace in heaven.

Dont know, when next.

You... Complete me!

2010-02-27T00:20:00.009+06:00

"So I never felt her absence."

In rainy weather the streets turned to red slop, grass grew on sidewalks. The life too busy. My stiff collors wilted by nine in the morning. Thats what life demands. A day was 24hours long but seemed much longer. Hurry hours, for there was no where to go. "Jeena Yehaan, Marna Yehaan iske siwa jaana kahaa!!" Sung this song n-number of times.

Nothing to buy, nothing to see outside the boundaries. Nothing to fear, but fear itself. Enjoying life secretly, without even letting life know about it. The most revolutionary act one can commit - To be happy. Yes I'm happy, though I miss lot which life knowingly kept hiding. Life said 'Mutual feelings'

Home, Occasionally. Friends, Never. Coffee, Being a life saver, no way. School/college, thats my own nostalgia. Love, I love 'milkmaid'. Travel, I know good travelers are not planners. Alas, nothing of this sort is a miss to me.

I keep denying the truth that I don't know that what is it that gnaws at me all time.

Searched. Explored. Checked. Didn't find. Failed.

Out of the blue, in a dream the other night, I found out. Yes it was You.

Along the road of truth "I miss her absence." Realized, you are the meanest and loveliest person God has ever blown air into.

Yes, You... Complete me, and I miss You.

Something that is Remembered.

2009-12-26T22:29:00.004+06:00

Some body just hit me with a memory pillow. I'm quite scared now. I'm shattered. Yes yet again.

I was wrong. Thought I came out of everything. Not yet, feel atleast in this lff I can't. I'm sure. The heart that truly love never forgets. I love being positive. When someone you love become a memory, that memory become a treasure. *Sigh*

An Antique love story

2009-10-01T01:00:00.002+06:00

I was busy cleaning a dusty shelf on grandma's room. This is one thing I love to do once I reach home on every vaccation. It's damm interesting. I always get some treassure to cherish when I do that. It may be some old coins, stamps, some wonderful inland letters filled with love sent by her brothers in some late '80s or some very old family photos. Whatever they be, I treassure them to future. I love doing that.

Between the numerous dusty books on the shelf, a photo tumbled to the floor through my eyes. It was an old photograph. Black and white, slowly yellowing on the edges. I took the photograph but couldn't recoganise the man in it. It was already a wounded photo. The 'Man' had a turban over his head and no mustach. You can say he posed like Swami Vivekanada, with folded hands. He looks very young, may be 25 years. I was sure, this man is not from my family. Aggh....I felt so!!

After a good homely bath, I sat next to grandma, showed her the photograph. She took it and gazed carefully. I couldn't trace out the emotions on her wringled face. I heard some whisper from her. It sounds like a name "Mahan Nambuthiri".

"Mahan Nambuthiri?? What is that?" I wonder. (Later I read 'Mahan Nambuthiri' is a title or some thing similar given to the son of a Nambuthiri family, ummh... quiet interesting.)

Without answering my question she continued "He was the most brilliant in the class. A great student who always top the college. He was the apple in eyes of teachers. He was known for his instant poems. He always get the first prize for poem writing..,blah blah blah...."

I could find exitment in my granny's face as she gone praising him non-stop. I was getting a fire from her. An unknown spark was getting to her eyes that she was not hiding, rather she couldn't hide. It was just like a glint of sunlight through the clouds.

Without giving me any chance to speak she walked away from me with that photo. As she walked I noticed her eyes was still on that photograph. I knew what I saw a few seconds before in her eyes was the true passion of love. Yes, probably 'Mahan Nambuthiri' was her first love! Very often we cherish this memories alot, sometimes idealise them, remember first love as something innocent and fragile.

What goes around, comes around!Like an old photograph, time can make the feeling fade, but the memory of the first love never fades away. She may have forget how she used to feel about him, but the memory of that first love is like an eternal sunshine.

As a sighed myself with a stretch, I thought to myself- 'This may probably be an argument for a life that never really was, but if such a life was there, probably my grandma got the nostalgia she would never lose-touched by an antique love of her life!'

Rough Draft

2009-09-09T23:11:00.001+06:00

Sitting alone in room. By chance. It makes me happy! Being a slave of my own solitude. These are the very few moments I live as myself. Otherwise uh.... I'm expert in pretending...

I am not too sure!! Opened my laptop. I love the sound my fingers make on these keyboards. Beat of the heart and the *thug thug* on keyboard makes it a par superior song than any. I fear writing with inky pens on lucent white papers. My tears may wipe down my life in them. I don’t want that to happen. That's why I like the concept of typing. I bet on my tear, dare you wipe this out!

And to make it a perfect solitude, this is what I on the botton wanted. It was raining cats & dogs. Heaven pour down under. The rains of night are out of the ordinary. Along with the rejuvenation, it brings a lot of doting memories. Just closed my eyes in complete serene till a thunderbolt clout my ears. Loud roared the dreadful thunder. Under this window in stormy weather, reminds me of a night which was very much analogous to this one.

Have you ever had to talk to the person you loved most...tell them it's gonna be all right, when you know it's not? “Don't worry I'm always yours – touch wood” Even though she knew the end was closer; these were the words she rendered in my ears.

“Don’t worry my eyes only see you everywhere even if they are closed... – touch wood. You know, you are the best thing God has done to me ever in my life – touch wood!!!”

She continued. Holding my mouth with her hands not allowing me to utter anything.

“Don’t say that we are not meant for each other. It is just that we are not meant for anyone else. I don’t think I need to worry being happy as long as you are there with me. You are my dream. Without you there is no existence for me. Parting away from you is my death – touchhh…woo…”

She couldn't complete her much trusty omen, intended to reverse any bad luck that might come our way. She wept. I didn't stop her. She exploded.

First time in her I saw an incensed face of love. I saw all the hidden expressions of love that Wordsworth, Coleridge, Blake, Shelley, and Keats has immortalized.

I hold her closer. I wished to bring a little tranquil to her then effervescent mind.

I said “Oh dear, between us there is no you & me. Is there anything called your death & my death. It’s all ours. Even in death we will be together…”

The soft susurrus of conversation over her ears then was like this pouring rain outside my window tonight. I could calm down her tempest by those words.

“I will hear you even I have gone away from you…” That was her promise.

‘Perhaps tonight she is hearing me. May be this rain is propelled by her to calm down the storm in me…’ I am hoping.

Lff called a trump. I lost. I often question: Suppose we could begin life over again, knowing what we were doing? Suppose we could use one life, already ended, as a sort of rough draft for another??? *Sigh*

Colour me Love!

2009-08-02T02:37:00.022+06:00

What about the colour of love? - Red..? White..?? Err...Pink?

"Confused huh...?"

Once I was more confused than you, when she asked me this!

She said "Its BLUE."

"Blue, why blue?" I wonder.

She had enough reasons to convince me.

She pointed me to the waves of desire in the world - ocean and the sempiternal sky above my head, and said

"Of all those that doesn't have an end is blue. So as our love, no end - its colour is the same blue..."

Back from the ashes...!!!

2009-08-01T01:20:00.007+06:00

Something returned back. I heard someone laughing... felt someone crying. I saw my reflection in the mirror. Wounds of my yesterday were very clear. I know the reason, I am the reason.

"Does that hurts???"

This question realised me of the tacit agreement between my heart and body. My heart was no different from my body. Whenever it hurts, first instants - numbness overtakes my pain. It may be bleeding, but the pain was unknown. So was the case with my heart. Even yesterday numbness was ruling my heart, but today numbness is making way for pain...

The first time in my life I felt 'regret'. 'Regret !!!' Errr....!! This was once a word which I could not even spell. But today I feel its an integral part of my nightmares... I should have done little more to achieve... My memoirs even though transient, hurt my mind and force me to be seditious.

Its a very special scenario. Some people can’t be forgotten. They shouldn't be remembered either. They just exist in our lff, like Spam mails, that we keep on pulling to junk everyday and they keep on coming in inbox the next day.

Ppl said, I am getting 'more' emotional. I laughed! *Sigh!!*. Emotional and me?? I remember the story once my grandma said of 'Lord Shiva', who gone mad and 'jus roked the whole world' when he lost his 'life' in the form of 'Sathi'. Dare to compare that emotion with my emotion... ??!!

You may say aaghh...a granny story. I say, my life's also a story... & even yours..!!

If you try to see it from a second person's angle, believe me you can laugh even at your tragedies... Sometimes its real fun going to sleep and knowing I get to wake up tomorrow and I don't know whether I have a tomorrow? Life is strange.... may be that's why I love it. As if a stranger who sometime laugh at me, sometime stare in the face & some time put some mark as he passes by...

Today Lff to me is like a staring stranger... who watches carefully... My every single movement is under his surveillance... I hate being under some bodies surveillance but I have to live with it. That stranger is my Lff....

I don't want to concentrate much on that stranger...

Now, right now… finding a purpose and healing myself; mentally, physically, and emotionally... tats most important in my life......once I can do that,

I want again love to take over....!!!

A jump back to the known horizon, horizon of love... & then I say I'm back... 'Back from the ashes...!!'

" Get back from the ashes as soon as possible... "

" Very Easy.....?? "

" Don't know!! "

" Even I !! " :|

" n some people say 'nothing is impossible...'; 'the fast its better...' "

Whom the Gods love, die young!!!

2009-07-09T01:11:00.015+06:00

"Please, can you tell his story?" She yelled.

He..., I met him first, some two years back in a train journey.

"Hello, what's with the black? You look like you're goin' to a funeral! " With no introduction this is how he started with me.

I never knew that, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He's the kind of man who's got the sun in his eye when he laughs... The energy he transfers to the people around him is tremendous.

He never looked an Indian to me. Every thing was different in his case. His accent, his mannerisms, his thoughts, nothing resembled me of an Indian.

"What is your nationality?" I asked.

He answered "I'm a drunkard..., that makes me a citizen of the world"

That's the way he talks. Some may say he is the shah of blah blah.., but for me he is a scholar, a philosopher, a terrific teacher and of all the above, a brother.

Of the many fortunes & surprises I had in my lff, this was my greatest pleasure that he lived very close to my flat. We often go for long walks, me listening to his wonderfully crafted words and cheering him to talk more. I love to listen whatever he utters. That special he was to me. He talks a lot - lff, people, religion, country, children, poor, but strange not LOVE!

"Who is the girl in yo' mind?" Once I asked.
I was that sure, that he was/is in love. Don't ask me why!!

"Ask me, When you get there! " He replied back.
Hmmh! Diplomatist! I thought.

That night I couldn't sleep. 'When you get there, ask me!' that's what he said. I feared. Should I tell him?, I am already there, only but standing as a loser!!. Fear and wonder, powerful combination.
I came to this part of world to forget my past. But now I am thinking of reopening the junk files of my lff again!! Finally, I made up my mind. I will!

He was there in usual kick off place the next day. Unusually he was carrying a guitar.
We went to the near by garden. Silence over ruled our conversation, for the first time. We sat in the shadow. He smiled, started playing a song in his guitar.

"You must remember this,

A kiss is still a kiss;
A sigh is just a sigh;
The fundamental things apply as time goes by;

And when two lovers woo,
They still say, "I love you";
On that you can rely;
No matter what the future brings-...."

"You loved her deep, right?" he asked me, in btw.

"Yes!!!"

"You still love her?" He was still playing guitar.

"Yes!!! I didn't find any reason to hate, so I love!"

"You know an old saying -'One shouldn't sought glory as a lover... but cherish the moments that lasts a lifetime...' " he smiled & continued;
" I too had a love. I lost, or rather she died away from my lff. I too stopped living. For a while. That's easy: I'm dead." *pause* "And this is tuff: to live again. I started living again. When she was around, my love was only SHE. But today I started loving - these trees, flowers, skies, birds, and moreover I started loving myself!!" *Sigh!!* "So understand, as P Davis said - lff is just a chance to grow a soul..." He stood up and walked, I followed.

"The amount of positive energy I got in that conversation was immense. Even today I feel it..."

It was the hardest thing in my lff to say good-bye to him and move to another place. It was great pain,but as lff demands, one has to.

And today this is unfortunate and unexpected, as I screamed having a glance at today's newspaper.

"Even in those death columns, you keep your presence known" I wept.

I never knew which part of the world he lived after my departure.

I remember last time when he called me over, VoIP;

I asked "Where were you last night???"

"That's so long ago, I don't remember." I wasn't surprised with that answer.

Then I asked him with a laugh- "Where will you be tonight??"

His answer was even interesting- "I never make plans that lies far ahead!!"

That's how endings should be. No remnants!!

Lff...

2009-07-02T22:05:00.012+06:00

"I watched from distance"

The rising sun in mighty mountains...
The setting sun as it dissolves in ocean...,
A castle in spider web;
Rejuvenation in pouring rain!!

All fine!! Sweet and Beautiful...

"I gazed closer"

The rising sun; the cause of all slip-ups..,
The setting sun; end of all virtues..,
Grievance of trapped prey;
Howl of the dispossessed in the rain!

Awful!! Appalling and Dire...

"I finish"

Shorter the Distance.
Lesser the Sweetness.
More the Sharpness.

"Aghhh..., Lff... & Its Existence...!!!"

Father - A silent song!

2009-06-21T02:35:00.028+06:00

* D-E-L-E-T-E-D *

Casanovva

2009-06-12T00:03:00.007+06:00

I met her after two days. A very quixotic evening with beautiful flowers, small small butterflies & sparrows flying all around. I still remember she had that extra touch to keep her lawn 'the best'. Btw our talking I asked...

" Where is that flower?"

"Flower???" *bolt from the blue*

" That red rose I gave ? "

"aahh..thatt.....!! " *smile* *shy*

"What you did with that?"

"Why? Why are you asking?"

"To know, whether you have stamped it out or not?"

"What if, I stamp out a Rose?" *impish*

"ohh nothing...!! I gave away my heart to you in that...!!"

I never knew those words I mouthed had so much philia on her. It triggered a feeling of euphoria. From rank to rank she darts her ardent eyes. She pulled me inside... It was the dusk of autumn...

Our clumsy fingers, fumbled along with the zipper sounds & barricades of buttons and hooks.... The vigarous deduct of our clothes and jostling them aside...

The scattered clothes all around, a testimonial to the love we made...

silhouette

2009-05-27T01:07:00.000+06:00

I noticed her eyes sparkled every time I called her by name. I felt she dressed carefully hoping I would notice. She was getting that extra care from her friends 'coz of me. She kept looking my eyes, every time I spoke. She always kept her silence when our gang blasting, but with a killing smile. She appears to be more polite while talking to me. She always laughed on my bad jokes(probabily the only one who laughs). She volunteered first, teaching me lessons during exams & never forgets a thumbs-up before entering the exam hall (many went unnoticed by me - says my friends). Lunch hours - she always asked me about my friends, my family & my social life, I never asked about her's!. She was first to assist our gang in what we called the break-dance, but with her 'bharatanattyam' steps. Her best friend, gave me a friendship card, signed "Her's- Best friend" '??'. I still dont know why she didn't give me one? I don't know why she carved my name on that desk where she sits!!??

But I never complained. She was indeed sweet.

My only complaint - "Why you left unsaid, you loved me!!?"

remember TO forget!!??

2009-05-13T00:49:00.007+06:00

I have the greatest virtue and liberty to say, I own one of the most celebrated and colourful friendship days that the humankind have ever seen.

Very recently someone asked me; how you define friendship? I raised my eyebrow, shrug in anguish! I realised don't know how to define, or I cannot define!

Then he/she asked; have you seen any difference between the friendship of a guy and a gal!?

...and this post is the answer:

"I have seen, and seeing friendship of Girls and Guys. I firmly believe Bois mean friends when they say friends. They never call every day, but are there every time you called.

They wouldn't know what exactly the reason, when you wear a particular dress, neither remembers your birthday nor keep time. But they'd never see the dark clouds around your eyes.

Girls, yes they have friends... countless!!. Have you ever asked a girl about her friendship? She may gush; pour out suddenly and profusely with lot of emotions, sentiments & enthusiasm.

They may tell you about the friendship cards or bands that are exchanged, but they forget the voices that once held over the phone calls or words that once console a broken heart.

Moreover, it’s all over once Marriage is over; if anything was there!

Girls expect more, or in other words...friendship for a girl means getting what they expect!

However, for a guy a cup of hot tea over a shared cigarette is treasure."

That 'someone' stood stunned, so as me, as 'my sister' signed off saying:

"Women remember to forget --- Men forget to remember"

It was she who answered that question, which was actually thrown at me...

I remember once I said:

"I wish I were a Girl", seeing my sis makes-up before mirror for a party,

She replied pinching my cheeks with her both hands,

"I wish I were a Boy!!"

May be this is why she said so!!!?? *Sigh!!*

A rain to remember...

2009-04-21T00:32:00.002+06:00

I sat impatiently in the train as the train roared through the darkness of the night from Bangalore to Ernakulam. It was indeed emblematic. I was leaving behind the dust, pollution and heat of Bangalore (heat & Bangalore!!?? – Yes I mean it) to the wet roads, green trees and flowers of Kerala. The Exotic Kerala! Pure beauty of the country side is something I always miss. I come home after years… err… months… ummm… weeks... na… days? What ever... Let me fix it in DAYS!

Half an hour plus travel from railway station to my ‘Castle’, always seems to be the longest journey of my life. The book on my lap remained unturned in the page for a long time. Taxi breaks in front of the gate. I lowered the window glass and peeped my head through.

Nothing new-fangled! The same ‘86 year old Aristocratic - Nair - domicile’ as says my grandma, mother waiting at door. All dishevel and tiredness of travel disappeared seeing her. That’s the magic of all mothers; they have that extra gift from the creator.

“Take your bath” This time also it was no different, the same welcome treatment.

Ignoring her as always, stepped to the backyard_bare footed. I love to walk bare footed, just to feel the mother earth. I love it even better when it’s raining. I looked at the sky. No sign of rain. I wish my week long vacation at least have one rainy day.

I shout at mother “When it last rained??”

“Last week!!”

“When it will rain next??”

“Yes we have opened a weather forecasting office here!” This time it was from father.

Aahh... As always I forgot to say halo to him. ;)

“Go and take your bath first” I expected this from him too.

Came inside, grandma was coming out from her room. “Had bath?”

Ooops… Is my family so ‘bathaholic’?? I finally slipped to washroom!!

Mother came to me at dining: "Today is your D.O.B!! Let's celebrate your Bday today" - we celebrate our Bday's on stars, which was already over when I was at Bangalore!

I smiled and just realised, Gosh... 25 years on planet Earth. Celebrating Silver Jubilee!!. Hurray its been long time. How massive is one year?? Its that time taken by our earth to complete one revolution around the mighty sun. So 25 years means?? umm... mighty longggg...!

I have traveled a long way. And I’m still where I began.

But I have no time to think all those stuff, just a week vacation, and my only prayer-one rainy day..err... one 'heavy' rainy day in that!

Met so many relatives. All said many thing in common "You know us?" "You never call us!" "You have time to visit all of us?" "What it take to make a phone call ?"... No one ever said, “How is your stay alone there” or "Are you happy?" "..." aahh fed up!! I thought I made mistake visiting them. The so called unrelated relatives.

Met 'lot' of old friends; excuse me just 'two'. Yeah those two means a 'lot' to me.

I always enjoy hanging out with friends: be it pulling a prank on someone or them making a fool out of themselves, friendship is that unique stuff, I could never define here. Met a few from the Engineering days too. They are the real 'Machus' of my life-the MKCE demeanors!

Celebrated Bday, Vishu, Friendship, family functions, but still Rain wasn’t in the horizon :(

Final day of my week long vacation. Bizi packing. Driver horns his arrival. Took my luggage to dicky. I waved bye to grandma. Mom and Pa followed me to station.

All the way to station I was looking at sky. Bloody sun was laughing at me.

Reached station prior one hour. Entered the platform. I never sit in waiting room. So came out, even came out of the protection of the asbestos sheets at station. Some kids were playing. I looked at them. Believe me, watching small kids playing is the best time killer. Suddenly my entire sensory organ calls me altogether. I looked at my arms. A splattered drop of water on it. As I am looking, a few more fell. Yes it was raining…

The train pulled in. Every one rushed out of the protective sheets and rushed inside. Father was shouting at me to get inside the train. I kept my luggage and stood in the doorway. I was getting wet. I didn’t care. Mom yelled from platform “Get inside…..”

I shook my head.

“Sorry mom, this rain is for me, only for me. You can’t take it away from me.”

I was getting wetter and wetter. But I wished I could get wet more. Train started with a loud whistle… I waved good bye…!!

Indeed a rain to remember!!!

A Redeeming Tale

2009-04-01T01:06:00.017+06:00

sunday, 24 Sep, 2006, 3:11 AM

Hi,

Hop both of you is pink in health...

This mail may be the last one. I said same in previous one also. But this time I’m more determined. You are no longer the girl I know. You are a wife. You have a husband & a family to look after. It’s been so long after your marriage and I believe it’s time to move on…

Yes, I agree, once we shared everything under the sky. We together made promises... but it is also very much true, that it’s only we took that painful decision to go apart. Be practical, today neither you nor I can change the clock… It’s now past!! I always believed you were more practical than me. When I dreamt of life, you only said me, real life is something else. You always told me, flirting only never make - true love. You never complained, even if I never call you for many months. You never expected that and these standards of a lover from me. You were very matured and that was what I loved best in you. You were a study book for me. But today, all of a sudden, life has gone for a somersault.

I believe you have the courage to stand this difficult time. I don’t know whether, I have? But I want you to stand. I want to learn from you even this, how to stand in these times… If you stand, I promise I can also stand… please don’t put me down!

Yes it is true; I don’t expect any more mails from you. After the marriage you haven’t given him any happiness, care that a husband would expect from his wife... It’s so cruel on your part... Never think of me... And I’m not even thinking of you these days... You are just out of my mind... Like a closed Chapter... You always told me don’t allow our families to cry of us… But today, because of you the families are worried. No regrets, as it was a decision taken together…!!

Take time…Time is the best healer.

Don’t try to reply this mail. I’m not going to read it any way... Better be a good wife... and take good care of your husband…

Good Bye!!!

An act of Redemption; the 'last' of many. The last 'mail', the last 'lie', the last 'bye'.... I have never said a 'bye' so harsh and never said 'lies' of that number..

My Inbox even today has an unread mail from her! I don't want to open it, neither delete!

Now if there's a smile on my face, It's only there trying to fool the public. But when it comes down to fooling you, no honey, that's quite a different subject.

Like a clown I pretend to be glad. Really I'm sad… I’m hurting so bad.

Slowly a fear is creeping…

"Am I losing my ground beneath…? Am I open to all... to the public?"

"?!!"

Blame the URL of this blog!! _ I'm "on-line"

"No.... Why this fear....."

"After all I tell stories...just stories..."

Speech of Chetan Bhagat at Symbiosis..

2009-03-12T01:55:00.004+06:00

Life is one of those races in nursery school where you have to run with marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the marble.Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.

One thing about nurturing the spark - don't take life seriously. Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up? It's ok, bunk a few classes, goof up a few interviews, take leave from work, fall in love. We are people, not programmed devices.

"Don't be serious, be sincere." !

Very few have summed up philosophy so nicely , so crisply. IIT+IIM are a different breed indeed !!!!

oNcE...

2009-03-04T01:24:00.001+06:00

she was laughing, laughing loud... Her eyes were overwhelming with joy and tears. I saw shyness, anxiety, infatuation and what not; Everything unfolds in those vermouth eyes... I feel my phrenicus nerves were agglomerating... Felt to give the best kiss I had ever given her... Felt to romance her beautiful fingers… Everything looked auspicious to me. Felt Cupid - The Roman God of love, a counterpart of Greek Eros blessed me...

But I didn't do any of these... I just want to be part of her along with the shadows of the dusk, raised my right hand towards the beauty-spot rightly placed beneath her beautifully carved nose...

Her hands came in a close second before I was about to feel her.

She said with smiles,

"No... later, Not now, only then... only then...!"

I smiled. "Yes, she is right. Not now..., only then" I said myself.

The storm in me died away...We end the day and walked alongside... We didn’t knew, ‘time’ was also alongside!

Years passed... And she is somebody’s now. Destiny once again brought us together…

She asked: “Why didn’t you touch me then?”

I looked at her...Sighs!

She continued “I was waiting breathtakingly, astonishingly for that moment. Don't you heard the call from my heart? I wished to rush to your arms to feel the man in you; I wished everything from you at that instant, which I would have cherished even now! You gave me amorous glance, which took me to a place of complete bliss and delight and peace - a Shangri-la.” She was unstoppable.

I know she is desperate! Poignancy of a girl who can’t stand the ‘test of time…!’

The Best Burden...

2009-02-14T14:47:00.000+06:00

Let me forget… let me forget about you, you and you..!! I want a change... The change I practiced for two years. Can't say as the season changes we also change.. when the season come back after one circle, is it back all again?? Yes, I believe Yes, atleast in memories!

Memories are as fresh. Even today I jump to my mobile when that particular tone rings, once meant only for her.

"why am I still keeping that tone??"I asked myself.

The answer was a big silence... One more unanswered question. My 'self' laughed at me again!! (It was not the first time!)

Even though I'm addicted to this pain, I hate the unanswered questions. why?.. but why?That 'why' haunted me..I searched for reasons. I had reasons, hell, lot of... but now I dont have one! Sipped a cup of coffee!Puffed one Cigarette deep...stretched myself, a deep breathe, closed eyes.......

I'm in those good old days... Everything, from candlelight dinners, soft music, slow dances, latenight walks hand by hand by the light of the moon on remote windswept beaches...

Suddenly I felt in some unkown horizon, sombody holding me tight...and me walking along.Yes I'm with her...

"How you doing??"I asked.

She smiled as an answer!

I Hold her closer."Tell me honey, are you happy??, Does he care, like I cared you??, Does he kiss, like I kissed you?"

She looked deep into my eyes...I continued, "Does he listern, like I listerned you?, Does it feel the same..., when he calls you by name??" oh.. I was worried!! I hold her even closer, I don't want to miss her this time...

I saw tears in her eyes... Her lips shivered as though she wants to tell something...

The breeze was blowing...it started blow harder, even harder, stronger.Felt as if 'he' in search of a birth place, and no place to die... All of a sudden there was only sands and the sun look like a golden disk.. I could't see anything..totaly blind..

Everything over in few sec..!

End of fragrance, and I stood alone..!! On my knees...Crying loud!!

"Oh I always miss u..what can I say..rules must be obeyed..!" I am pathetically down.

"Is this the Best Burden??"

Phone Rings...I'm 'LIVE' again...! Back from virtual world...

Hell the same old tone!!I cursed and took the phone.

"Hello sir, This is Neha, from City Bank Credit Cards....Blah blah blah.... & more blah, blah, blahs..!!" I didn't hear any thing what she said..

I said: "Happy Valentine's Day"

She: "hmm..ahh...Ta..thank u Sir, But..me..!!??..."

I cancelled the call.......!

I still remember you....

2009-01-11T03:30:00.000+06:00

I still remember you, once in a while. There were days when I never had to remember since you were always there. Every now and then, everyday. Blame it on time. Blame me. Blame the realization that you never gonna be mine. Like an unfinished dream, you came, you touched my heart, you vanished. I never searched for you even though my mind always did. May be I am afraid to hear the truth, which I fear ruin the ending even though not a happy one. I still remember you, always when I wear the mask of sympathy, concreting the obvious torments and always when I feel I am alone. Your thoughts always spread a melancholy at heart, some time sweet otherwise dry. The same dryness which I felt when you left. I still remember you, your voice, your smile. I was innocent, I believe you were. You took me to a magical world, a world filled with dreams and happiness. I lost to you and atlast I lost you. Your words never obstinate me from the facts. Darn with the society, damn me. Believe me this is another monologue of heart, this time my hands were free, which usually busy wiping off the tears, copied the logs to this blog. This is for you my beloved, only for you because I still remember you.

OOps!!Never get confused..I juzt found these words romantic and touchy..so just copied..!!U all knoe..Im nt of tat sort!!ahh....!

A 5 INR Moment!!

2008-11-18T15:05:00.040+06:00

My day starts with a walk in the morning from Flat No.77 to my cab-pick... During this walk my eyes search for beauty...I found beauty in everything I pass and see... girls... birds.. flowers... street dogs..... Perhaps I am learning Bangalore the Garden City.. I prefer walk... long walks... But unfortunatly I am getting cab near about one km...

Days passed like seconds..Its been two months since ma return from Delhi. I got bored by the same old sight.. The same girls... the same flowers... even the same birds.....

But a face.. A face I searched everyday as I pass through the cross.. In her eyes I saw the sadness of the whole world, A poor old woman!! As I pass she always came to me begging.

Her eyes said me:

"Help me...You are of the age of my son. Will you keep quiet when your mother feel hungry...".

I have seen, many such woman, as we all know we have of them in plenty.. But she, I donno, just keep on peeping in my every thought... I made a deal with myself that I would help her giving a 5 INR every day. (I know, that 5 INR cant change her life..Still!!)

As I gave 5INR she used to close eyes,holding her hands together and tears coming of her deep dark eyes...

I would say dear friends that 5 INR moment I used to feel proud and started feeling that why should I spend thousands of INRs to find happiness..I realised ma heart shift pumping from blood to Joy....

As days passed I realised that she is smiling at me! Her moody eyes started glowing!! One day I saw she was waiting for me, she was looking egarly at the cross. She said me some thing...the only thing I feel I could say back to her is "Kannada Gothillaa... ;)" I smiled as a reply to her..

This poor lad had just arrived in Bangalore and luckly got some hand in Hindi and surviving... So as the days pass I found she is happy... I donno is my 5 INR is making her happy? Wat ever may the reason I too feel very happy... So the deal continued...

Some monday of this month I left for the day from flat No.77, keeping a 5 INR change in my pocket... As I reached the very same cross, my eyes started searching... I didnt find her? where is she? Without stopping I walked..

At each new steps of mine I grow more weary, at each new steps I started seeing more new people..I see them turn and stare, I see them slip away....I continued walking..

My cab was waiting...Driver said me something, I didn't hear..

My mind was full of that old lady...Where she gone?? What would have happened to her? Some bloody evil questions start haunting me.. That start of the night was not the end of day for me.. I was thinking of that poor woman... In next day also I didnt find her....

Days as many passed.. Still I didnt find her...I feel terribly bad.. I asked some local shop keepers out ther....But I found many of them had not even seen her at all... I said in my mind 'Assholes..'

Days passed, I still couldnt find her.. I donno whether she is, alive or dead. I dont know whether I will see her again or not, still I keep a 5 INR change in my pocket expecting that poor old woman any time...

A pain unknown!!

2008-10-17T11:07:00.000+06:00

I am becoming lazy. Lazy for everything. I am having a pretty bad feeling at heart. Dont know abt what. It is the same feeling I had or which I expressed here before. Something that is pulling my heart or myself inside. I know I am happy I know I am fine, I know I know, but I dont know what is this. What my mind want to feel, to know, to see. I didnt find the solitude I searched. May be I never will. It is a misconception, a dream, a feeling. Even though I know all these things, I still feel there is something which I fear or I love to fall in. I dont have anything to blame or anyone to blame for this. I cannot even blame me because there is no point or need for me to think or force my mind towards that. This is creating a big void in my mind. I dont find a way to express this. Blame it on my mind. We are becoming two......

In the thirst of a........

2008-09-15T10:15:00.001+06:00

In thirst of a macabre dream, a sweet or a sensual one. Dreams lacking the content incessantly all the nights. These morbid fascination with antagonism of solitude and dream leads to an inhibition by the mind and heart partitioned from rest of the body but trying to entice using the whole body. I may not fall for the insane fascination towards the mocking dreams, alerting its presence with repeating blasphemy of unintentional desires trying to intimidate me. The more nearer one gets, the more difficult to send them away, the more bothered you will be unless you show a sordid carelessness which I lack at least at heart.

My dreams, my wishes… me and my world.....

2008-08-14T13:17:00.003+06:00

I remember, then I was very young..The age when I only thought of juz dectating wat ever I want...My dear parents had to hurry getting wat I dectate...If not the end result...me screaming, screaming and screaming...As life unwinds..I started of dreaming...started wishing..thought about me and my world...Yes.. My dreams, my wishes… me and my world..... The never ending alternates. Fragrance on my hands still remains. It’s making me crazy. I am not able to define the feeling. My olfactory nerves awaken by the mystic emanations trying to reach the core. I want to capture the whole essence before it leaves my hands. I am creating a world around it based on a solemn dream touched by this essence. I wish I had. Still trying to capture this effluence to its last molecule. I wish this remain forever, atleast the dainty odor. I am eagerly waiting for the next beautiful moment, the one which spreads this fragrance all over my hands.. again.. again… and again. My dreams, my wishes… me and my world....

Life is tough, so why should we live, what is the purpose of our lives?

2007-01-05T00:28:00.008+06:00

In a Pessimists view:

Only few furtunates spend 25-30 years in struggle of learning and gets prepared for real lives. Then starts another struggle of setteling down. It takes atleast 5-10 years to settle down in life. We spend just a couple of year smoothly and then we again start worrying about our kids. When I calculate the gains & losses of life there is no profit at all. So why should we get into this business. ??

In an Optimists view:

Life is about making your own meaning and enjoying the ride. You can look at it as work and struggle, or you can look at the adventure, it's all about perspective. You worry about your kids, sure, but they bring you more joy than pain. Just like preparing for the real world (education, job hunting, etc) have their own rewards. When we have people and things (like careers) that we love, they are their own rewards. Nothing's perfect, but this is what we have to make the best of. Don't give up!

So wat can b concluded??Common give me ur xperience with ur life..wat hav u people seen from life..Tell better way to live an enjoyable life..Xpress ur ideas hw to face life's ups nd downs!!